Diatribe of Non-Love Against a Seated Man : I am a feminist man!
The title of this blog post 'Diatribe Against a Seated Man' is inspired by Katherine Muñoz' book by the same name Diatriba de Amor Contra un Hombre Sentado. While writing these paragraphs, there is nothing else I could possibly think about, but the memory of that book sitting in my mom's bookshelf for years and years on end - the illustration? A Seated Man. The content? A man listening to a woman 'bitch' about his shortcomings.
This is a post that compiles some of the fascinating exchanges I have had with so-called 'feminist men', my arguments for what they suck as 'feminists' and their expected, and predictable responses. I offer this in the form of a dialogue to reproduce a text conversation I had some time ago. Without delay...
- A woman - : I think you suck as a feminist.
- A 'feminist' man : - Wait, what? That is not fair.
- AW: Well, yes, life is unfair.
- AFM :It is fair enough that you are hurt and angry because I have not been giving you time or attention in the past three days, but that does not give you the right to question my feminist ethics.
- AW : I think it does, in fact; I am both a woman and a feminist.
- AFM : Well why do I suck as a feminist, then?
- AW: Sure, give me time; I am a fast texter and if you stop interrupting me, perhaps I can get to it.
- AW : Uno. Telling a woman not to judge you on your feminist ethics or question it is antifeminist. Dos. Assuming a woman is questioning said ethics because she is ' hurt' is not only inaccurate and simplistic, but it is also functions as a tool in reproducing silence and hurtful stereotypes ( e.g., she is just 'too much', 'intense', 'desperate', 'crazy', 'a bitch') Tres. If I engage in this conversation is because I have been entertaining the following question for a long time : Can cis white hetero men be feminists? I am always interested in it when men position themselves as such and engage it ethically, intellectually, politically and personally. 4. I hear that you have redirected your efforts and changed your profession to more actively and more consciously address your privilege as a white man and that you are doing so by wishing to amplify the voices of women of color in the 'art world' - I am both a brown woman and a feminist. How are you amplifying my voice now? 5. I think that a feminist politics is necessarily embodied ...if it seeks to disrupt heteropatriacal relationships in the everyday, that is. If it seeks to bank on it and gain standing, status and credibility from it...that is not feminism, that is just you wanting to be a 'cool' cat and attract women by presenting yourself as an 'ally'. And, well, actually people die for embodying a feminist politics, so your espousing of the concept is nothing but a shit show parade. 7. Busy? Yes. We are all extremely busy and dependent upon capitalist time, rhythms, and pace. Capitalism depends on sexism. Was that in your cool radar, feminist man? 8. Because power dynamics between men and women are perpetually at play, disrupting those in the everyday is powerful. Feminism is not just an ideology, it is a task - and a difficult one. It requires self-reflection and a willingness to negotiate relational space, all the time. 9. By defying time and 'busy' while engaging meaningfully with someone with whom you shared an intimate experience, you contribute to unsettling unequal power dynamics and undermine male-centric perspectives and practices- all at the same time! In turn, if you choose to take off after you have done the deed and used the body, while arguing that you must sleep in your own bed, you are not only insensitive, you are also selfishly sexist. 10. Although you are not 'a couple' or have discussed the depths and the meaning of 'intimacy' - letting this woman know that you value her time, her touch and her mind, and are not just going to have an orgasm and leave is a conscious decision and an active disruption of oppressive gender dynamics. *Because you both enjoyed each other and she has to get up early in the am, you are actually going to choose to stand (lay down) in solidarity and wake up with her - possibly to a smile and a cup of tea - which she made. 12. Because you want to model respect for her as a woman and not just as a desirable body, you will share that you are not sure what it all meant/means that you were intimate after a whole year of not talking - She probably feels the same.
- AW : In short, here I am, as are women everywhere, picking up the emotional and care labor - bringing affect, ethics and responsibility into a space which I deliberately make feminist just by virtue of pointing this out.
- AFM : alright well, you have been heard and your points are valid. there are a few points I disagree with completely, but I don't think it's worth the argument. I also don't have time for a huge conversation right now. I am BUSY.